Hmm, well all things considered my brain is now well and truly kerfuddled, and I’m not entirely sure how to get my head around it all. Yesterday was the first day in nearly seven years where I’ve not spoken to Kel, and come 11pm when we’d usually be on the phone I felt very strange indeed. Honestly, it feels like someone has chopped some invisible part of me away. Perhaps that’s where Phillip Pullman got his idea for the Daemons in His Dark Materials books…

Suffice to say it seems the light at the end of the tunnel was, in fact, a train. Arse.

Over the past week we’ve gone from last Sunday’s ‘Dear John’, to Kel phoning me the next day, really upset and wanting to sort things out. She basically admitted that she’d been digging her heels in and expecting me to make all the effort and obviously that had been really unfair to me.

She was in a right old state asking me if there was ‘any possible way I’d consider maybe talking about it and trying to see if there was some way to sort things out’. So I’m thinking ‘Eh? What the fuck?’ Err I didn’t want any of this in the first place, after all, who dumped who?

Obviously I still feel the same way and made it quite clear I’d do anything to try and sort things. We agreed that was what we both wanted and that we’d get together asap to try and figure things out, hence my previous post about a light at the end of the tunnel.

So, anyway, Monday and tuesday were fine, we spoke briefly on the phone and things were fine at the school, then on Wednesday I went over to Kel’s for the evening as she needed the cat carrier for Buttons to go to the vet. It was odd to say the least because things were almost, well, normal. You’d almost think nothing had happened and there was no indication at all of anything she’d said on Monday. Cue general feeling of surreal, but I’m thinking ok, just roll with it because the ball’s very much in Kel’s court here..

So thursday comes and we spoke on the phone which is where it went from weird, to weirder. I explained how wednesday had seemed odd and asked if Kel was ok, and her response was almost as if she’d completely blanked all the stuff she’d said monday out of existence and reverted to the ‘I can’t help how I feel’ with a big dose of ‘I want things to be different, but I’m not prepared to do anything to try and make it different’ on the side for good measure. Erk – MORE CONFUSED NOW!

I’m finding this all really hard, primarily because my feelings havent changed. Kel commented that it seemed odd that I was taking things so well but really that’s just a manifestation of the effort I’m making to try and do the right thing for her, and also I think it’s massively important for Callum too.

We had quite a long chat about him last night and I’ve got to admit it’s a really major part of all this for me is the fact that over the past 7 years I’ve been trying really hard to be a father figure to Callum and now, overnight, that’s gone. Not because I don’t want to be, but because I can’t.

I’ve got the most horrible empty feeling of guilt because he’s had such a hard time of it with his dad who blatantly just doesn’t give a toss, and I can’t stand the thought that now we’ve become really close, even to the extent that several times he’s told Kel he wished I was his dad, it’s all been pulled out from under his feet. I can’t stand the thought that he might think I don’t care or that I’ve let him down like his dad has, but there’s nothing I can do about it without making things worse.

I just don’t know how I’m supposed to behave towards him now or what’s even appropriate. Crazy example from yesterday – Kel wanted to go visit a mutual friend and I figured she would probably want a girly chat about things, so I just naturally said that Callum was welcome to come to my place as I figured he’d much rather play on the 360 than sit around bored with the girls. As it was he didn’t, but it was only afterwards that I had the sudden realisation that I can’t be that person for him now, it’s just not right is it?

I’m absolutely determined not to be that crazy desperate guy that keep clinging on in some feeble attempt to make the ex change her mind. I’ve seen that plenty of times before and it doesn’t work, it just makes the guy look like pathetic and that’s never an attractive trait at the best of times and it’s certainly not going to work on the woman that’s already lost sight of what attracted her to you in the first place is it? Nope, been there before. Didn’t like it, not doing it again. I’ve already discovered that simply trying to do everything to keep someone else happy isn’t ever going to work if that’s just an excuse for, rather than the root of, your problems.

Ahh well. Fuck it. All I can do now, is figure out how to get a bit of the old me back I suppose.