Not the best start to my day being woken up by the stench of smoke from downstairs – again. I ended up wide awake at 7:30 which is a good 2 hours too early for me.
Having set off to a bad start wasn’t really helping the mental state at the mo. It’s all starting to transition from that surreal phase into the painful reality that no matter what I say, do or feel it’s not going to make a blind bit of difference to Kel as it seems that chapter is well and truly closed.
I’m finding it all a bit odd that after eight years she can just switch off and carry on as if nothing happened. That’s the bit that’s hurting the most at the mo, because it just makes it feel like I meant absolutely nothing to her and my brain just doesn’t want to compute that, it just doesn’t add up after everything she use to say to me. I dunno, I guess that’s just Kel’s way of dealing but it still feels like the most incredible slap in the face.
Anyway I did at least get to enjoy a nice little bubble of ‘me’ time tonight at the school because at least when I’ve got my belt on I tend to switch into ‘Black Belt mode’ automagically and at least then I get some of the old confident me back. Tonight was all about intensity and focus which meant I had to demonstrate those traits to a higher level than I’d expect my students too and that tends to rub off on them too and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because the more energised they are the easier it is for me.
As we often do, in my ‘Masters’ training session we started out on one topic and a question from one student led me off on a tangent into a pretty deep discussion about the psychology of confrontation and dealing with real aggression etc. Bit of a shame that some of our students don’t make the effort to stay for that part of the class because it’s where all the ‘real’ training begins.
Talking about that stuff and thinking back to some examples from my time on the door did me some good confidence-wise. Need to get out and hook up with some old training buddies I think and get a bit of the mojo back.
Anyway, best get some shut-eye. Off up to Manchester to see Rammstein with Huw tomorrow, then we’re coming back via Birmingham on weds to see them again 
\m/ O \m/