Well it would seem that that, as they say, is that.

I went over to Kel’s last night (weds) and had a bit of a chat about stuff, some of it personal and a few bits to do with the school. All perfectly amicable, if not a little odd. It just seems so weird after 8 years to sit on a sofa with someone but feel like you might as well be in another country.

Could spend hours going over boring details and over-analysing stuff that is of no interest to anyone else but the simple fact of the matter is she doesn’t love me, and hence doesn’t want to be with me any more. Simple as that really.   

It’s all just a bit surreal now, especially given that it was only a month ago that Kel told me she did in fact still want to get married. (Bearing in mind this was after her finishing with me, telling me that getting engaged was the biggest mistake ever and then subsequently telling that after all she didn’t in fact want to throw away seven years so easily and would I please consider giving it another go etc.)

Anyway, when she said at christmas I was understandably well chuffed and had a proper little scheme hatching in my mind. I was planning to buy her a replacement for the engagement ring she’d lost last year and then take her away for a ‘finally out of debt’ celebration weekend where I could surprise her with a ‘proper’ proposal.   Having seen Ian’s awesome shots of an engagement celebration in Paris I was thinking about something like that to make it extra special. Hmm, that was literally only a few weeks ago and then WHAMMO - so long, and thanks for all the fish…

Still, like I said, I’m not blaming Kel or holding any animosity towards her. If it’s not right and it’s not making her happy then there’s no point in me getting arsey about it is there? Sure it’s hurting like hell at the moment but I’m doing my best to keep it together for everyones sake. I’m really hoping we’ll always stay close as friends if nothing else and I’m going to try and do the best I can from my side at least to make sure that happens.

Got to admit I’m pretty gutted about the whole situation for Callum though. He’s never had a particularly good relationship with his Dad and ever since he was about 5 I’ve been around. I did ask Kel to be sure to explain to him that this was her decision because I’d hate for him to hold any resentment towards me about it all because I know how he feels about his dad. We’ve been pretty close over the past few years (hey, I was even planning to have him be my best man..) and there have even been times when he’d said to Kel he wished I was his dad because his real one was crap. The feeling was mutual and it hurts doubly so to lose him too.

Soo, anyway, I’m making no apologies for having a bit of a rant on here though as it’s one little way of maintaining a bit of sanity at an otherwise weird-as-fuck time. I am also taking a bit of consolation from the fact that having talked this over with some of my mates (including a couple who are mutual friends with Kel too) and they’re all pretty much in agreement that this just seems a bit (lot) weird and Kel wants her head read! That at least makes me feel marginally better!   

According to my friend Bev, Kel’s officially a ‘bloody nutjob’ and should read this but I’m not sure I want to be anybodies ‘second best’ thanks! Perhaps I should buy her the book though eh?

Ahh fuck it… Man I was so looking forward to this month and this year as a whole, planning to have a big celebration for finally being out of debt after so many years.   I don’t regret getting out of the rat race for a moment but the financial mess it left me in was something of a challenge to say the least. I ended up with about £45k in debt and it’s taken nearly seven years to pay that off so you can imagine what an ace feeling it is to finally get there. Well, it would have been an ace feeling if I’d not just had the rug pulled out from under me like this. It would have been really nice to have been able to feel good about something, even if just for at least a few days eh?

Still, I suppose it does at least mean that instead of spending it on expensive jewellery for someone to lose I can spend it on new tech for me instead, and now I don’t have to turn down those requests to take naughty pictures of good looking girls any more either!

See, I knew there had to be a silver lining somewhere!