So, last week I received a pretty odd anonymous bitchy email about Kel. It was odd in that it was basically addressed to Kel, but sent to me at my personal email address. I’ll paraphrase as the original was pretty shockingly bad spelling and grammar. It went something like “Do you think you should be boasting about how much vodka you can drink when you’re a police officer and you teach people’s children?”

Seriously, what the f**k is that all about?

I had a look at all the old Facebook messages and it’s not like Kel’s said anything that 99% of FB users don’t say all the time. Clearly the sender of the mail was referring to a couple of jokey messages between Kel and a friend of hers from work about them getting together at the weekend but seriously, what the f**k? What’s it got to do with anyone else?

I’m struggling hard to figure out the motivation for sending it. Was it someone who has some kind of problem with alcohol themselves? Someone who has a problem with Kel? Was it actually someone to do with the school (we don’t believe that as we get on well with all the parents) or someone using that to cover their tracks? is it someone trying to have a pop at Kel for something to do with work, or to try & hurt me for some reason? None of it makes sense.

Whatever the reason it’s obviously caused all manner of upset now. To have seen those messages the person who sent it had to be on Kel’s friends list on Facebook and so then that now means she’s worried about what she says and who it might be. It’s got her so upset she’s now not even wanting to be at the school and so obviously that makes my previous worries on that front a million times worse.

One of Kel’s friends even suggested that it was someone’s misguided attempt to to get at Kel out of some kind of loyalty to me. Well if you’re reading this, I can tell you quite categorically that its’s not helping one bit. Yes we may have split up and Kel’s not interested in me any more but I still love her and Callum as much as I ever did and so anything or anyone that hurts her is also hurting me.

So, here’s the thing. If you’re reading this and you sent it, for fuck’s sake man up and own up so we can all move forward as at the moment you’re just hurting everyone.

So, a lovely bank holiday weekend to look forward to. Four days of chilling out and not doing much. Hooray!

Err, well more boo! My weekend consisted mainly of a detailed step-by-step analysis of what I can only assume was a proper good dose of the norovirus.

I felt fine on Friday morning but by mid-afternoon I felt proper grotty, horrible fluey symptoms – thick head, hot & cold and achey all over. I ended up going to bed at 6pm and apart from a quick drink about 10pm I slept right through until 10am the following morning! Even after 16 hours sleep I was totally wiped out all day saturday, not especially ill but absolutely hanging.

After another 12 hours sleep on Saturday night I figured I’d be fine. On reflection it was probably a bit optimistic of me to assume that ‘not actually feeling too crap’ on sunday morning equated to being over it. Trouble was I was feeling pretty stir-crazy but this point and not a little frustrated at the wasted weekend so I figured I’d venture out for a couple of hours walk/location scouting down at the Deer Park in Berkeley

(More snaps on Flickr).

It seemed like a good idea at the time and it was quite nice to get out in the fresh air for a bit, the only minor problem was when after a couple of hours I realised that: a) I was absolutely knackered, b) I really didn’t feel at all well and c) I was about a mile from my car, cross-country. Oops.

Probably not such a good idea in hindsight as I really didn’t enjoy the walk back to the car at all and by the time I got home I was kicking myself for being such a dunce, especially as double knackering myself like that didn’t make the evening any easier.. Not wishing to put too fine a point on it by tea time the lurgi had well and truly taken up residence in my guts and was hell bent on escaping by any means necessary

In other news, this single malarky isn’t suiting me one bit.

Problem is I still feel exactly the same way about Kel that I always did and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Obviously she doesn’t feel the same way and seems to be happily getting on with things as if the last 8 years never happened. I find that pretty hard to handle when I’m missing her & Callum like hell.

I’ve been trying to keep a brave face on it, just getting on with stuff, spending some time with mates, taking some photos etc. but fundamentally there’s just this massive void there smack bang in the middle of things and at the moment I’m struggling to see a way past it.

The biggest thing is that over the past eight years I’ve made some pretty massive decisions based on the fact I had Kel’s support and that we’d be working towards things together, but now of course that’s all gone out the window and some of those things which I did thinking we’d be together forever are now hanging around my neck like a yolk. Whatever I do there’s no simple way to either move forward or to be able to draw a line under things and walk away.

Given that I’m normally pretty positive it’s really not a very nice feeling to feel that someone else has such a hold over my life and there’s sod all I can do about it..

Ah well.

Listening to: Letting the Cables Sleep from “The Science of Things” by Bush